Dear CG,
I don’t know you and you don’t know me and that’s ok. No, really, it’s fine. The biggest connection we ever had was when you sat on my right in a first year Stat’s exam, and you looked over at me when my stomach rumbled. Let me just say that I was nervous that day, and trying to cram, so all I’d had to eat was a Kit-Kat in the morning. Kit-Kat’s = delicious but not that nutritious or filling, and certainly not enough to see someone through a silent exam. If I could have told you all that in the exam, I would have, but I couldn’t, so you looked my way and then the connection was lost. I think that I’ll live though. There are many people I don’t know, that I’m unlikely ever to know and it doesn’t give me sleepless nights. Many things do give me sleepless nights (I won’t bore you with the details) but I’m happy to say that you were never, and will never be, one of them. Except tonight, since I’m sitting here writing this post at 4am, but that doesn’t really have anything to do with you or anything you’ve actually done. It has more to do with the fact that I can’t go to sleep until stupid o’ clock, and then can’t wake up in the morning. Obviously, this is a problem that you also appear to be familiar with. Seriously dude, you pay large sums of money for an education where you miss 1/5 of the lectures, just because they’re kind of early in the morning. What is up with that? If I can make it (most of the time) then I’m sure you can make it too. Since the 4 year students returned (aka the Lakes, among others) from work placement, I don’t think I’ve seen you attend one 9am lecture. Not one! I can appreciate that there are many things you’d rather be doing at that God-awful time in the morning, the number one among them being sleeping. If you are a night-owl such as me, 9am start may as well be 5am start for all the difference it makes. So I’ll give you that, but it’s still not an excuse for missing every single one. Do you not own a watch, or an alarm clock? Is that your problem? Because if it is, let me be the very first to volunteer to buy you one, they’re not that expensive. My treat; let’s go to Argos right now. Come on, don’t be scared.
Speaking of time keeping, I would like very much to discuss with you something that is sending me slowly crazy, and which you have the power to fix...I would quickly like to reiterate that I am fully aware that we don’t have anything to do with each other. I do know that. I’m not mental, or a fantasist, like some people I could mention (*coughs Amanda coughs*). Just because I don’t know you, however, doesn’t mean that what you do doesn’t affect me (and many others, I’m sure). There’s no way to say this, but dude, when you do decide to grace the lecturer with your presence, you always come in late! As little as ten or as many as 20 minutes late, with an average lateness of around 12 minutes (again, this was Amanda counting, not me. I think the word ‘stalker’ was invented for girls like her). I fully appreciate that by this point you may call me crazy, but I honestly don’t think I can take anymore. Every time I see you walking through that door 15 minutes late, I literally feel the anger building up inside of me, and that is not something I like to experience 4 times a week. Who would? It’s not the fact that you’re late and disturbing the lecture that bothers me, it’s not like I’m ever that absorbed in the lecture, otherwise I probably wouldn’t notice you. It is however, the fact that you’re late when I know for a fact that you have no reason to be. How is it possible to be in a lecture from 1:15pm (1pm for everyone else) to 2:45pm, and then be late to the 3pm lecture? Somebody, anybody, please tell me how the hell that is possible every single week. Do you have memory problems, do you get confused, do you have the worst sense of direction in history? Do you need a map of the campus and a big, red arrow pointing to where your lecture buildings are? I would gladly draw one for you if you wanted it, if it helped, if it would get you to lectures on time! I think I would be willing to do just about anything at this point to get you to arrive on time. Just one! Out of however many. Is that really too much for a girl teetering precariously on the brink of a huge nervous breakdown to ask?
So, I’ve said my piece, nearly had a breakdown just thinking about your horrible, inexcusable, absolutely unbearable tardiness, and now I think it’s time to move on. Your atrocious time-keeping is really my only problem with you, other than that you’re fine as you are (when you show up!). As this is a letter from all the Lakes, however, and I just happen to be the one conveying the messages, I have to make this letter vox populi, or rather vox Lakes, and discuss everybody’s issues with you. So here goes nothing. Another of the Lakes, who you may not be surprised to discover is Amanda, has an issue with your ‘beard’. I myself wouldn’t personally call it a beard; I can fully understand not being bothered to shave. It happens; especially for girls, who have a whole lot more to shave. Amanda, however, is of the opinion that it looks as though it’s eating up your face. Just saying. So maybe shaving every once in a while is something you want to think about, or if you’re as scared by her as we sometimes are, you may want to consider hanging on to that thing and growing the hell out of it. Grow it all the way down to the ground if you can. When you keep tripping over it, at least you’ll finally have an excuse to be late to lectures.
Kathleen, well, her only problem with you is likely the fact that you don’t have any ham. If she comes up and sniffs you one day, don’t be surprised or scared; she’s just looking for something to eat. Just don’t make any sudden movements, unless it’s to reach for a pig in your bag. Emily on the other hand, well, let’s just say that for someone who claims to dislike you quite so much (why?) she seems to pay an awful lot of attention to you. I’d be far more scared of her than Amanda if I were you. Which I’m not thank God, because that would just be creepy. And I’d have a beard. I realise that you and Emily have had a few...shall we say ‘encounters’ in the past. Like the time last year when Amanda and I dared her to ask your name...and she actually did. Oh yeah, that was funny. Good times. And the couple of times you’ve attempted to sit next to Emily and she’s shot you down. Bad times. This may be to do with the fact that Emily can reel off a list of your faults that’s as long as my arm (depending which font size you use). For one thing, she thinks you don’t wash and/or change your clothes. I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt on this one, but she’s not as forgiving as me. This may be part of the reason she doesn’t want to sit next to you. I don’t know. All I do know is that you’re a young guy, so it is statistically proven that you change and/or wash your clothes less than girls. It’s just a fact, deal with it, just like she deals with it by not sitting next to you. Really though, would it kill you to jazz up your wardrobe a little bit. Black is everybody’s friend CG, I honestly get that, but there’s a world of colour out there. Explore a little bit, it won’t kill you.
Another issue Emily has with you is your complete lack of effort in the socialising department. Again, I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and again, unsurprisingly, Emily is not. Are you starting to see a pattern here? I think you may be shy, or maybe don’t speak English properly or, shocker of the century, you might actually take your education seriously, but she’s sure that you think you’re superior to everyone else. That, or you’re a trainee priest avoiding the temptation of women. I honestly, hand-on-heart kid you not. This is the kind of thing I have to put up with her saying to me, just because you refuse to maintain eye contact with anyone for more than a nanosecond. Dude, for my sake, look at someone and give me a break from this insanity! You made a friend in the first year, so what happened? When you only had one friend to begin with, do you really think you should be so fussy? Again, just saying. You come in late, head bent down at an angle that must cause neck ache and severe boredom (the floor really isn’t that interesting), sit at the back in every lecture and then rush out at the end as though your life depends on it. What the hell is up with that? I’m sure, deep down you’re a nice person and it’s nice that you take your education quite so seriously (except when you don’t bother turning up), but it’s ok to chill out once in a while you know?
I doubt you’ll ever read this, and it’s probably for the best because I fear we’d probably be the ones getting told off for our behaviour (i.e. stalking), not you. But if you somehow do get your hands on it, please take what I’ve said into consideration. Even if you change one of your many idiosyncrasies, it would be good enough for me, considering I’ve invested more time and effort into this letter/essay than I have into many of my academic essays. I really hope you appreciate it.
Yours Faithfully,
Lalita (and the spirits of Amanda, Kathleen and Emily) xxx
